But...

Warning:  this post is heartfelt and honest.

As we have been a few weeks into our retirement trip, I am filled with gratitude.  The beautiful sunny mornings that I am able to sit on the balcony to read, knit and enjoy my coffee with retired hubs just fills my heart with joy.

Therein lies the heart searching.  I truly believe God loves us so much that He wants the best for us everyday.  I know that as I look over past experiences, He has worked things out for the good.  Some of my most difficult times are remembered with peace because I saw His hand on the circumstances.

BUT:  for 4 years I have lived in pain, loneliness, discouragement and little hope.  Everyday I tried to focus on joy.  Joy that only comes from trusting God in the details.  I mostly tried to make the best life I could while being inside almost everyday.   But mostly, I was just sad.  I never lost my faith or hope, just knew it was where I was and not able to change my situation for some time.

BUT:  now we are retired and making the changes that we dreamed about.  Moving  near family, travelling, even just being able to go out everyday.  When the is weather not great, hubs is so good about being my aide. ( Maybe I should make him a badge declaring him Aide of my Heart!)  The joy in my heart is reminding me of when we first married and the future was exciting.  Problems would come, but we would work together.

So I am seeing very clearly the BUT in my life.  Maybe better described as conflict or lack of peace that I have been living.  I say I trust Jesus' love and promises in His Word.  BUT when it comes to everyday details, I focus on them.  I have a disconnect with what I believe and what I live in my heart.  I am going to spend some time thinking about this and learning to do better in REAL trusting of God's Word and living it deep in my heart.  By connecting the dots of the 2 BUTS!

(I am a little obsessed with polka dots being near Disney and all!)